Monday, July 21, 2014
Dating Myths and Misconceptions Part 2- Make a Move- LOSE A FRIEND!
"Let's Just Be Friends". Many a guy has heard these dreaded words uttered before. In utter dissapointment a guy will hear these words from time to time, in an attempt to get close to the woman in question, they will give up after losing the opportunity to have a physical relationship with said woman. They will be then known as the "buddy", sometimes an emotional tampon for the woman to vent their frustations on when they start dating the "bad boy". This is an eighties teen movie cliche, but there is some truth to this, even if not as black and white as this trope may seem. So what is the reason behind this? I'm not going to go into the science, or fully into the psychology behind the "friendzone" as its often called, but I will go into what a guy can do to reduce the chances of this happening. True story, I have been put into the friend zone a few times. But ironically at least a few of these situations are where I was actually fully propositioned, but either didn't read the queues or was so full of anxiety that I didn't know where to start. Truth be told, ironically, I've never been in the friend zone a great many times, maybe because I've hung around mainly dudes in my life, and having more female friends (just friends) may had done me better having a little bit more of a balance. But I learned something early on, even when my dry spells were only getting a trickle of droplets so to speak, that served me well. Just a word of caution: If you're a self-righteous religious moralist, a self appointed arbiter of "good taste" or otherwise an overly sensitive man child easily offended, STOP READING NOW. The following concepts (however esoteric) may offend you. Also I should state, I WILL be discussing these aspects in future blog posts and breaking them down further. But just for the brevity and to allow for time, I will discuss these aspects as an introduction to them, and explain their surface level ideas in this post. I will also, as I explain these concepts more in depth in future posts, give full credit to those who may have first proposed these ideas. The first way to prevent the friendzone from happening in the first place, is by keeping track of what is known by some dating coaches as "sexual state". Sexual state is kind of hard to explain, its kind of like where you watch an old Hammer Vampire Horror film and see the fog, the "atmosphere" of how the film is made. If there's this sexual undercurrent in the air, regardless of what is spoken if you're talking to a girl, you're halfway to knowing what it is. Its this unspoken undercurrent, where there is literally a "vibe" that you feel. It goes beyond mere attraction, its usually a mutual thing that's going on between you and them. Its something that shouldn't be forced (on oneself that is), though it can be, it usually leads to those relationships or encounters where one feels regret for not being as attracted to someone as they should. The "guilt" and "regret" I would be willing to wager that a man or woman often feels if they're sleeping with someone they're unsure about is often a result of just not feeling this state or attraction to the other person. If you know about "indicators of interest" and the subtle social queues that a woman puts out to show they're interested, this is an indicator that you're on the right track, but only as long as you feel the same "sexual tension" happening on your own. Now the time to be confident, to feel comfortable and at ease is right at this moment. If you turn into a ball of melted jelly at this point, this is basically a lot of times where the "Friendzone window" as I call it begins to open. So this leads us to the second aspect of how to prevent the friendzone. Escalation. Escalation is one of the most controversial words in the whole dating advice industry, because it makes people think of some really ugly aspects of our society. Escalation does NOT mean groping, harrassment, assualt or anything of that matter. It just means making subtle moves and feeling the process taking place. It could be just holding hands, and making the move in to kiss, but either way, the process needs to take place at some point in your interactions, or else that friendzone window will open unfortunately. And all along the process here is the third aspect that one needs to escape the friendzone. Flirting and seductive language. I would describe this as being the verbal representation of sexual state. Its not saying really blunt things (though some guys I've known can get away with this) its just teasing the girl in a playful way, making small references to something that you find attractive with the girl (showing intent) and having the process coincide with everything else going on. These three processes should be going on at pretty much the same time. In essence, a lot of the times I've been "Friended" is where I didn't make a move at the right time, or ironically, didn't feel attraction to the person totally myself. More on this later though, basically a lot of guys get friended because they don't have the perception, or experience to know when and how to make "the move" and think that regular rapport that they have amongst their male friends will get them the girl. Its simply not true, and however the above processes seem complicated, trying to guage past experiences and how they've played out will certainly help the guy who is having trouble in this area.